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Some deadlines are built in to the process. If you are
served papers, you have a specified time (usually 30 days) in which to respond.
If you have court ordered dates, you usually must comply, although continuances
are often granted for a variety of reasons.
Unless there is a compelling and unmodifiable deadline for something, learn to listen to your own internal clock and honor it. And don’t pay any attention to others who tell you to hurry the process. They are often well meaning friends or relatives who think that as soon as the divorce is over, you can “move on”. You can “move on” as the divorce proceeds, and sometimes you are not ready to let go until you’ve done some of the personal work that time will help you accomplish. So don’t criticize yourself for not getting enough done, or taking time off, or not wanting to think about it or deal with it. That is part of the process, and your body will tell you when you are ready to engage. You can’t hide under the covers forever (though at times that feels like the most inviting scenario.) But you can try to be as much in control of the time frame as feels comfortable for you, no matter what your spouse, lawyer or mother might say. The effects of time. Pauline was in a support group because her husband was having an affair and wanted a divorce. She decided that she was going to stay her extremely reliable and efficient self and proceeded to organize every aspect of the divorce. She got the necessary house appraisals, she put together all the needed financial information, she did all that she could do to comply with her husband’s deadlines. Each time Pauline spoke in the group, everyone was amazed at the equanimity she maintained throughout the months until the divorce was final, and her husband married his girlfriend. Several months later, Pauline was in another support group and each week she cried more and became increasingly depressed. She wished she had taken more time to adjust emotionally so that she could have become empowered by her anger and not been so amenable to everything her husband wanted her to do.
Carol never joined a group because she was separated for nine years before her divorce became final. She told herself that she needed to stay married legally “for the sake of her children”. On one hand, she maintained the security of being connected to her husband’s income potential. On the other hand, his wealth was highest in year seven, and at the time the divorce was final, he had lost a great deal of money. And by the time she finally decided to actually get divorced, her children wished it had been over years before. There are many different timing scenarios which can be played out, but the one that works for you is personal to you. Be honest with yourself about whether you are denying, procrastinating, hiding out OR recuperating, preparing, healing. “Stuck” is not a dirty word, especially
if you reframe it. Often in the empowerment groups, someone will berate herself for “being stuck,” “lacking initiative to move the divorce forward”, “going nowhere”, “not doing enough,” “doing nothing”, or some variation on that theme. Take a moment and free associate to the word “stuck”. What does “being stuck” mean to you? Some sample responses are: unable to move, stagnant, impotent, useless, unable to contribute, vegetative, on hold, no progress, helpless, incapacitated, boring or bored, in the mud, in a quagmire, wasting my talents, not connecting to my curiousity or ability, not turning on my computer, not pushing my spouse to get the process moving, powerless, hopeless, immobile, no action, no movement, not moving ahead or backward, lack of motivation, lack of direction, impatient, no self confidence, missing the boat, inertia. Now you can “change the paradigm” and you can reframe the concept of “stuck” to: watching,
pausing, growing, waiting, observing, listening, thinking, being open,
soul searching, recuperating, building my own
inner strengths, recharging, self-nurturing, Don’t wait for your spouse to change. One important caveat to “taking your time” is: Make sure you aren’t
stalling out of denial or some illusory hope that if you hang in there long
enough “(s)he will change.” There is nothing you can say or do that will
change someone else. The first step of a twelve step program has to do
with our powerlessness over others. An alcoholic is powerless over alcohol. A
spouse is powerless over an alcoholic. And we are all powerless to change
someone else. Our own power lies in our ability to change ourselves. Take the time you need to exercise your power in a way that is healthy for you and your children. Take the time you need to go into marital counseling if your spouse agrees and you think it might help heal your issues that are leading to a divorce. Take the time you need to emotionally prepare for each new stage of a divorce. Do not procrastinate your life away by waiting for someone else to change. Do not keep turning the other cheek to abuse of any kind. Change yourself and no matter what happens, you will be happier and healthier and feel more alive and energized than you may have thought possible.It often takes more strength and more courage to stand still and listen to yourself than it does to frantically run about “doing” things. Perhaps an old tape of your parents’ or others might keep reminding you to “accomplish” something tangible, and make you feel guilty if you are not “producing”.Rather than think you are “doing nothing”, make a list of everything you have done since you contemplated or began the divorce. Instead of the “to do” lists you might be accustomed to making for yourself, this is a list of everything you have accomplished. Take a moment and make that list.Write a list of your accomplishments.
Remember to include (where applicable) Single parenting, dealing with children’s homework, carpools, emotions Working: in the home, out of the home, looking for a job Taking classes - or researching what classes to take Caring for parents, and caring for yourself Therapy or support groups Prepared a house for sale, moved, furnished Been involved in the process of divorce, negotiated, filled out financial affidavits, worked with attorneys and mediators Writing, reading, hobbies, journaling Home and car maintenance Exercising Give yourself credit for everything you have done. Then give yourself credit to know when to stop doing and just learning how to be as you listen for the messages from within that will illuminate your path toward your future. Keep your focus on
the outcome, not the process. The process of divorce can be very frustrating and unnerving. Try to keep your focus on the “peaceful and prosperous settlement” that you are hoping for. Much of the progress and the pace is outside of your control . Your spouse has input, your lawyer, your spouse’s lawyer, the court system, all have an effect on the timing of the divorce. If at any one point in time, you get frustrated with the process (and you will), focus on the outcome you want. If you look at the process and constantly complain about it, you are adding negativity to the situation. Stand back and detach and witness, without judgment. Then you can help effectuate the outcome you envision. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you luck. |
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Linda B. Kroll, JD, LCPC
Therapist, Mediator, Attorney 400 Lake Cook Road, Suite 217 Deerfield, Illinois, 60015 (847) 914-0560 www.lindakroll.com |