“STOP THIS ROLLER COASTER! I WANT TO GET OFF!” Divorce - before, during and after, is often like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you are stopped - feeling stuck, and other times it seems that you are careening out of control. |
| Your feelings vacillate from sad to
angry; determined to afraid. You can cry anywhere at anytime, and feel
that your heart is breaking and all nerve endings are exposed. Like
Hester Prinn’s Scarlett Letter, you might wish that you had a big “D”
branded on your forehead, so the world would know why you are so
volatile, unpredictable, and vulnerable, and be forewarned to treat you
gently. Everyone has suffered losses of different kinds: the loss of a childhood, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a dream. Some people suffer abuse at the hands of others; some people are hardest on themselves.Whenever there is a loss of any kind, there is grieving that must be done, and it must be experienced in order to move on and to heal. You might feel that it is easier to deny the pain and try to “forget it”, or “live with it” or “not make waves”, which doesn’t work. The pain stays and comes in ways which may not be expected: depression, passivity, shame, guilt, intense need, compulsions, food, drinking, drugs. When you suffer a loss, you lose some kind of core attachment You are no longer certain, as you once thought you were, on the nature of the universe and your place in it. You lose your concept of what the world “should” be like and what you “should” be like in it. You are beset with various emotions, that come in no certain order and reoccur often: denial, pain, sadness, anger and fear. Perhaps you never have been taught how to express emotions in a healthy way. You may have learned to be ashamed of your needs, to recoil from your anger, to silence your sadness, or to ignore your fear. Your role models may have shown you how NOT to be, and you are afraid that if you express your emotions, you will do in inappropriately or that you might hurt others as they have hurt you. You fear your anger will come out as rage or your needs will be overwhelming and engulf everyone who comes near. You fear that by stating your feelings you might hurt someone else’s feelings. You may just not know how to be angry. Perhaps you intellectualize and stay in your head as a way of distancing yourself from your emotions. You can’t ignore your anger, sadness, pain, fear. You can’t get around them or jump over them. The only way to get beyond them is to go through them. You can’t stuff them down forever. You can’t forget about them or make them go away by ignoring them. You must allow yourself the right and the time and the opportunity to express them. You may need to practice recognizing and acknowledging your feelings, first to yourself and then to others and then to express them to others in healthy ways. It is a process, an evolution. It’s a matter of being open to the process and willing to express yourself and let go and grow. Changing your paradigm Growth involves change, and change can be very frightening. It forces you to confront the “wonderless void”. You give up the old ways of thinking and feeling and behaving, and begin to learn new ways. The time in the middle - from the safety of the old pain into the reality of the new way of experiencing your life and yourself - feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you, like you’re falling into a deep pit, or any other analogy that describes a free-floating fall, or the ride on the roller coaster. But when you get off the roller coaster, you will be a more authentic person, with a new set of dreams, roles and relationships. Divorce can bring your own rebirth, rejuvenation and renewal. Giving birth to oneself is a painful process. You may become grateful to your ex for giving you the opportunity to grow into who you are meant to become. To go through the fire to the other side. Your paradigm is your picture of the world and your place in it. Your paradigm is shaped by what you were taught and ideas you internalized. You will learn to identify the old tapes that have added to your perceptions and learn techniques to change the messages on them. As you change, you can keep the goods parts and edit the useless, no longer necessary, people-pleasing compulsions. You can learn what you need and want and ways to achieve them. You learn what you will and won’t tolerate. You will learn how to say “no” - without guilt. You will stop waiting for someone to take care of you and will be able to take care of yourself. And as you become healthier, you will attract healthier people into your life. |
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Linda B. Kroll, JD, LCPC
Therapist, Mediator, Attorney 400 Lake Cook Road, Suite 217 Deerfield, Illinois, 60015 (847) 914-0560 www.lindakroll.com |