Grieving and Growing My heart goes out to you.
Anyone experiencing or ever touched by divorce has suffered a loss that
was unexpected and devastating. You may be losing your marriage, but
you now have the opportunity to find yourself, possibly for the first
time in your life. |
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Grieving the losses and feeling your feelings are necessary parts of
the process of divorce. But also hold onto the reality that from this
point on, your life may offer miracles you may never have dared to
dream. I have come to believe that there is a divine plan for our lives and we do not always understand it as we stumble along our paths. There are things that we are meant to learn, and the universe will give us subtle nudges, stronger hints, overt messages and finally some cataclysmic blows to get our attention to make the changes toward authenticity and self empowerment. Divorce is the “dark night of the soul” which can either leave us a victim or a more authentic human being, capable of connecting with our Higher Power and true Self. This website offers empathy, support and guidance to anyone contemplating a divorce, in the midst of one, or recently divorced, separated or ending a relationship. People touched by the divorce of someone they love can obtain new insights into the experience to help them become more compassionate and present to their loved ones. If suffering is the school of the soul, as Alice Walker has said, then divorce is a graduate course in spiritual awareness. The death of your marriage Divorce is a death - the death of a marriage, the death of a dream - which must be grieved and mourned just like any other demise. Too often people who have never experienced it themselves have no true concept of the enormity of the loss and pain and sadness that accompanies a divorce. “Divorcees are Widows too” is a concept offered to remind others to treat us with the same amount of deference, empathy and respect that widows and widowers are given when they lose their spouse. Not only do we lose the spouse, but the dream, the security, the finances, the families, the friends, and the children on half the holidays for the rest of our lives. Sometimes divorce feels like you are going to your own funeral and being surprised at who doesn’t show up. And just as people react to a death of a person, we have similar reactions to the death of our marriage. Elizabeth Kubler Ross described those emotions as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That translates into: Denial: “This isn’t happening to me.” Anger: “Damn it this is happening to me!” Bargaining: “If I am very good or do this or don’t do that, this won’t happen to me ." Depression: “Oh Lord, this is happening to me.” Acceptance: “Thank the Lord for what I learned because this happened to me.” I believe that each of our divorces is the most painful. Whether there were drugs or alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or the standard “irreconcilable differences”, the pain is intense because it is happening to “me” and it wasn’t supposed to happen to me! But it has, so what do we do now? Now we balance the grieving with the growing, the hurting with the healing, and the losing with the loving - starting with loving ourselves. The birth of your True Self. Divorce is also a time of rejuvenation and renewal. Divorce can also be a is birth - as you learn how to give life to your True Self, one that had been hidden, repressed, sublimated or denied for decades. Your heart is being touched in a way you never thought possible. It may be breaking, and perhaps you’re not sure that it will ever mend again. It will - in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. Hearing how others lived through it and what they learned along their way can be of help. Although you may feel alone and misunderstood, you are not alone. And I do understand. I have been through the process of divorce, and I have worked with hundreds of women and men who were contemplating, in the midst of, or recently divorced. The universe has given us an unexpected blow. We can either disintegrate from the weight of it, or use it as opportunity to build a different and often better life for ourselves. We can choose to lay down and feel lost, or we can find another path. We have the ability to be reincarnated on this earth. We can keep the virtues and traits we like, and can reinvent the rest. Often we meet our spiritual nature for the first time. And if we are already aware of the spiritual connection, we have an opportunity to expand it and contribute what we can to others. We find power we didn’t know we had and then have the chance to be reborn into a more authentic, compassionate, centered, peaceful and independent being. There is an often difficult but ultimately rewarding path in front of you. I offer my heartcentered support to help in every way I can. |
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Linda B. Kroll, JD, LCPC
Therapist, Mediator, Attorney 400 Lake Cook Road, Suite 217 Deerfield, Illinois, 60015 (847) 914-0560 www.lindakroll.com |